Letters to Jory

It’s been a minute since I’ve written to you, almost a month, a lot has happened in that time, for about 11 or 12 days I was super super sick. Flu like symptoms, but man mine was bad. I hadn’t been in pain like that in a while. Then a few days of getting over it and then recovering, but also, the most incredible thing happened to...

You came to California.

Your mom was awesome and planned a trip to Sea World, Disneyland and the Zoo. She let me tag along and hangout with you guys and I got to see you, hug you, hold you, feed you, and play with you. I can’t tell you enough times Jory how beautiful you are.

You just make my world.

You’re just everything beautiful and good about this life. I can’t describe the way I love you, it starts at the top of my head and just flows throughout my entire body and it feels like I’m on fire and floating all the time. I just love you in the most indescribable way, and every time I see your face, those chubby cheeks and that perfect hair with the curls at the front and hear your voice I just fall in love with you all over again.

Which is why I battle when we don’t talk for long.

I know you’re little. You’re only 4. Your attention span on FaceTime fluctuates. Sometimes we talk forever and you play with your cars and we make up scenarios and adventures together and you’re so kind to me about it even tho you know I’m not there in person. We pretend to eat through FaceTime, you tell me which cars are mine, and you let me know which ones I can and cannot pick; and other times I can’t keep you on the phone for more than 45 seconds, enough to say “No thank you daddy” and then the sound of the FaceTime call hanging up. I almost laugh because I know how stubborn you are when I call back and you just reject it.

I get it.

I really do.

I know one day you’re going to ask me why I live in California and you live in Utah. I know one day you’re going to wonder why I didn’t move closer to you. I hope when that day comes, you hear me with your heart and not just with your ears. I knew in order to be the best version of myself and in order to give you the very best I could, I needed to be in an environment and in a place where I could be myself. Where I could be sincere, honest, transparent, and where I could be around individuals who loved and supported me and wanted the best for me.

That doesn’t exist in Utah.

Not for me.

Your mom felt the exact same way as me, she needed to be in the best environment for her, for her growth and for her happiness. That didn’t exist in San Diego. Not for her. She’s happy now. You and me both should be and will always be happy and grateful that she is. She deserves that.

Everyone does.

But for me, my beautiful Jory Jude, there was nothing for me in Utah. You’re there, and I am currently trying, will continue to try, and will forever try to grow in my business and professional life to earn as much as I can to fly there and spend as much time as I can with you. I am also working to build and amass something great here. For you. For only you. There might one day come a time when you want to experience life in Southern California; and if you ever do, it would be your decision and your decision alone; but I want to be ready and have something beautiful for you to call yours.
There is never a single moment of the day that passes that I don’t think of you. There is never a moment that passes that I don’t glance at the tattoo on my wrist that perfectly says your name that I don’t feel my souls deepest love for you. There is never a moment when I don’t wish I could just drive over to your moms and get a hug from you, because you’re all I’ve ever wanted.

One day when you ask me if I love you, I hope you realize that you’ve always known the answer to that. I don’t consider myself a religious person, but I guess in a way I “pray” to whatever higher powers may or may not exist, that the little boy all these miles away feels in his heart and knows in his mind that his daddy absolutely loves and adores him. Your mother loves and adores you. I think both of us at times get really scared of losing you to the other, or that one day you’d pick one and reject the other, but I also think that the older you get and the purer and more noble your countenance becomes, the more we realize that you’re not made that way. You’re the embodiment of love and kindness. You’re a punk sometimes, and you don’t always do the best of listening, but you are the best parts of us both.

I love you Jory Jude.

I love you so much more than I can tell you.

I love you so much harder and deeper than I can bear hug you.

Me haces tanta falta, pero se que algún día, juntos estaremos.

Be a good boy booger, and always do good listening.

-Dad