Letters to Jory

I used to think that nothing scared me. I remember hearing the heartbeat on the ultrasound for the very first time and having an overwhelming feeling of love, followed by an overwhelming feeling of fear.

And peace.

But still, you scared me.

Not in a negative way, but in a motivational way. I grew up very differently from how I wanted you to grow up. I grew up in a household that if I had to describe in a few words it would be; control, intimidation, fear, and loneliness. Yes, my parents were relatively successful, we never lacked, and for the most part we were privileged and lived comfortably, but our home was not one where love, comfort, safety and security were felt. For me the words “family” or “home” did not bring about the feelings of joy, excitement, unity, and support. For me those words stirred up emotions of anxiety, fear, and even as a child, feelings of withdrawal.

I was scared when I knew you were coming because I knew the kind of home I had grown up in, I knew the kind of home I never wanted to expose you to, I knew that I had to build and surround you in an environment where you could be supported, propelled, and encouraged. I wanted you to have the relationship with your mother and I, even individually as I knew in my heart eventually we would split, that I had seen my friends have with their parents. Where they looked to them for comfort, support, guidance. Where they were actually friends.

I knew the man that I was then was not going to be enough to be the man you would need.

I used to ask myself if I would be able to make sure that you always felt loved by me. I used to ask myself if I would be able to teach you respect, hard work, acceptance, understanding, and fearlessness.

I wanted to make sure that you were going to be the kind of individual that took risks, that was vulnerable, that was innovative, I wanted you to be a leader. I wanted you to be the kind of citizen and person that would be able to figure things out in difficult situations and lead other people through it.

There are so many soft and easily offended people in today’s society. I did not want you to be anything like them.

I said it before, I’ll say it again. You scared me. But you scared me into action. In a very real sense, you hadn’t arrived yet, but you were already my hero.

I hoped in every way that you would be so much better than me.

You were.

You are.

You always will be.

-Dad